Hold Your Breath
by kuonji

Daniel picked up and put down his cell phone for the fourth time, then ran an irritated hand through his hair. He stared longingly at the gated entrance to the mountain complex. All he had to do was to step through there, and he would be out of contact with the world for the next three days. He could forget all about SG-1 and Jack and immerse himself in proto-Polynesian culture.

He could forget about Genny and let that particular problem just slip away, too.

"Hi, Daniel. It's me. If you don't call me back, I'll just assume it's over. Have a nice life."

But that was unfair. Disrespectful. And Daniel felt that in the last six months, he'd been enough of those to load himself with a few lifetimes' worth of bad mojo. Even dating Genny in the first place had been a selfish move.

Gritting his teeth mentally, he snatched up his phone, dialed, and mashed the call key before he could change his mind again. He held his breath, not sure if he would prefer an answering machine or not.

"Hello?"

Okay, he preferred the answering machine. "Um." He cleared his throat. "Hi, Gen." -- short for Genny, short for Genevieve, the unusual and romantic name having caught his attention from the conference roster. "It's, uh, Daniel."

"I know. So. Apology and kiss-off, then?"

"Gen, I'm really sorry for not answering your calls. It's... complicated."

A sigh. "How's your friend?"

"He's... still the same." Which was patently false. According to Janet, Jack had a couple more months, maybe. Daniel hadn't been there for him, but he knew what was going on. He couldn't get away from it. The indecision, guilt, horror, disbelief, every time he thought about it made sure of that. "Actually, no, he's not, and it's my fault. I can't explain, but... it's bad. I'm sorry to have dumped all this on you. I think it'd be more fair to you if we didn't go on."

"Well. Things happen. Thanks for calling, at least."

"I enjoyed our time together. Really."

"Don't worry about me. My friend's set me up with someone for this Saturday."

"Oh...!" The shock of pain was overwhelmed by the shock of how slight it was. "Good."

"Look, Daniel. I... I'm not a bad catch, okay?"

"Yes, of course! The best," Daniel agreed fervently, feeling somewhat guilty that he would have done so even if it hadn't been true. Doctor Genevieve Raccio, paleontologist, was the best female company Daniel could imagine aside from Sam and Janet -- neither of whom he'd been able to face lately. Gen had been a breath of fresh air when Daniel had been suffocating.

"And you're a good guy, Daniel. So stop waiting around for that perfect someone to come to you, or you'll let her slip away." Like you let me, didn't need to be said. "Or him," she added, in a smaller voice.

"Or...? That's not what's going on here, Genny, I swear."

"Maybe not. Or maybe not yet."

"Gen, honest--"

"I have to go, Daniel. Take care, okay?"

"I--"

"Goodbye."

There were a few seconds of silence, before Daniel's phone chimed the auto-disconnect. Shaken, he lowered the phone and stared at it. Last Call Time: 01:18.

He got out of his car slowly, feeling at least vaguely gratified for having accomplished something today.

As he was swiped in through the last security gate, he couldn't help but notice what time it was. He and SG-13 weren't scheduled to leave until 1300, and he had nothing official to do beforehand. Which gave him the entire morning to review his notes, double-check the materials he was taking off-world, and... not talk to Jack. Again.

Four more hours and Daniel would be away on another planet, light years away from here.

Stop waiting around, Gen had said. Well, she'd had no idea what she was talking about. It wasn't that simple.

Just the same, Daniel found his finger hovering over the button for level 24 in the elevator. A curious airman joining him gave him no choice but to press the button instead of changing his mind. He reached his destination with no event.

Daniel drew a quick breath, staring at the door to the on-base living quarters that did not belong to Teal'c. Without consultation with his higher brain, his hand raised and knocked.

The response was immediate: "Come in, Daniel!"

All the dozen and more times Daniel had tried this before, he had run away from the irascible order. This time, though, before he could lose his nerve, he turned the knob and barged his way in. "Jack?"

Jack was slouched at the head of his bed, game controller in hand. His face was red and sweaty, and his breaths were shorter than they had been six months ago. Daniel kept his eyes averted from the rest of him, but he was relieved to notice from his peripheral vision that Jack was wearing a large T-shirt and sweatpants. He couldn't stand seeing Jack in scrubs any longer.

"So you do exist! There have been rumors of a Daniel-shaped ghost flitting around the SGC lately."

Daniel suppressed his automatic urge to snap a sarcastic reply. Casting about for something to say, he finally settled on, "How did you know it was me?"

Jack turned his attention back to his video game. "I didn't."

"But you just said--!"

"It's not mealtime or doctor time or Carter or Teal'c time. So it's either some other visitor or it's you."

"What if it hadn't been me?"

"Then they would say so and-- Crap!"

"What?" Daniel said, rushing forward in alarm.

"I just died. Again. I swear, this level is built for people with four thumbs."

It took a moment for Daniel to realize the context of Jack's comment. Irritation washed over him -- both at his own lost ability to understand his friend and at Jack's practiced juvenility.

"So, what do you want?" The television screen went dark, just after Daniel caught a glimpse of one of those 3D hack-and-slash games that made his head spin.

Jack had lain back, all loose limbs and faux-casualness. Daniel couldn't hold his gaze. "I don't know," he admitted. They shared a long minute of silence. "Have you... Have you decided what you're going to do?" He knew he sounded foolishly inane. He hadn't set eyes on Jack in three months, since the aftermath of when SG-1's stalwart team leader had fainted in an alien rainforest.

"I've retired."

"Really?" Daniel had half-expected that, but the reality of losing Jack was pronounced.

"Hey, don't be such a doubting Thomas. This time I'll have reason to stay retired."

"You don't have to do this."

Jack's gaze was clear. "Yes, actually. I do." He had obviously made his decision. It made Daniel all the more angry.

"It doesn't have to be this way!"

Jack laced his hands together behind his head, winced at the evident strain on his muscles, and brought them down to lay across his chest. He gave Daniel a steady look. "It's not your fault, Daniel. Is that what you wanted to hear from me? Because it's the truth."

Daniel stared in shock. "Are you kidding? It's completely my fault that you're-- you're--" Self-disgust choked him. He waved his arm in an attempt to articulate all that went unsaid.

"Hey." Jack raised one silencing finger. His expression was frighteningly serious. "Let's get a couple of things clear, okay? First of all, playing fellow lab rat with me doesn't make any of this your fault. Secondly, I know you don't believe me now, but this is not a bad thing."

Daniel shook his head, indeed disbelieving. "What are you talking about? How can this possibly be a good thing?"

Jack raised an eyebrow. "You really need me to answer that?"

Daniel couldn't bring himself to acknowledge that. "But--"

"Hey," Jack cut him off. "I'm not saying I was completely on board with the whole thing at the beginning, all right? I had my little denial-anger-depression freakout." He made the air quotes. "But I got over it. And now..."

"Now...?"

Jack shrugged, a graceful, peaceful up-down of his rounded shoulders. "I wonder if maybe someone meant for things to happen this way."

Daniel had never heard Jack make any reference to a higher being before. In fact, Jack had mocked many a religious ritual under his breath. "You think there's a greater purpose to... this?" Again, instead of saying the words, he waved at Jack's clearly tired, weakened body.

Jack chuckled. "Heck, no. Just that..." He shrugged again, that zen-like wave of movement. "Maybe I'm getting something back for all the things I've done, huh?"

"You could have died. If we hadn't found out what was wrong. God, Jack, you were going out in the field for three months with, with this!" The arm-sweeps were getting old, but still expressive enough to get the meaning across.

"I've almost died a whole lot of times, Daniel. Half the times were before I even met you. Trust me, not your fault."

"But if I hadn't practically--" Daniel swallowed, frustration building. "Jack, you might as well have been raped. I can't-- I can't put that in the positive, no matter how many excuses I make for myself."

Jack groaned. "Nobody knew what was going on when we got out of there, least of all you, doing your 60's thing. Cut yourself some slack, will ya?"

"No, no I really can't. First, I force myself on you. Then I don't even notice what that's done to you. Then I leave you alone with this for three months."

"Okay, now that is totally your fault. I agree that some groveling is in order."

Daniel shook away Jack's flippant attempt to redirect the mood. "Jack, you've had this whole new life forced on you. I can't even pretend to understand how horrible--"

"Daniel!" Jack's blase attitude was finally showing impatience. "You're still not getting it. I am fine with this. This was my choice."

"Oh, please, Jack. I know you. You never had a real choice, not once we knew." Daniel couldn't speak positively for Jack, pre-Charlie. The Jack O'Neill he'd met and come to know, however... That man could never choose to end the life of any child. Or, for that matter, any child-to-be.

"All right. Fine. So I've given up being the super gate-hopping Colonel. Now I'm..." Jack spread his arms wide to indicate all of himself. Daniel flinched away from the sight, of Jack's extra-large T-shirt stretched tight over an unnaturally distended abdomen. "What makes you think this isn't what I want?"

Daniel moistened his lips. "No one knows anything about the original experiment. No one is even sure how this is working now. Your own systems could fail or, or mutate, at any moment, for all we know. Why aren't you more disturbed by all this?"

Jack smiled, the picture of superiority. "Women have been doing this for millennia. And they didn't have the best doctors in the country catering to their every whim. Besides, you think Doc Fraiser would let anything happen to me? She needs to keep someone around to torture."

"What about the NID?" he whispered, the fear from that new thought surprising in its intensity.

Jack's eyes became flinty. "Not going to be a problem." He didn't explain further, but Daniel believed it. The strength of the relief he felt was as surprising as the fear it had chased away. His eyes were drawn to where Jack had brought a hand down to his abdomen, clearly protective.

"What if it... What if you're getting your hopes up and..." He trailed off, fully expecting Jack to deck him at any moment. Surprisingly, Jack took it with equanimity.

"Yeah, we worried about that for a little while." He waved his hand, encompassing what Daniel could imagine had been much more than 'worried' and 'a little while'. "But he's healthy. And completely human. And he's far enough along now that if we had to do an emergency caesarean, they could keep him alive easily." Jack snorted. "Earth technology isn't as primitive as some people might think."

"And what about you?"

"Me?"

"You lived for the stargate, all the excitement and adventure and discovery. You're going to have to give all that up. To be, what, a live-at-home house-dad? Your life's getting turned upside-down without you having any say in it."

"I do have a say. And I say that I'm going to be that stay-at-home guy. It was always up to me, Daniel. Even when I didn't realize it myself."

Daniel stared at the floor, his eyes misting over alarmingly. "How can you just... accept all that?" How could Jack make that decision with such certainty, while Daniel, who wasn't even directly affected by the situation, was drowning in a miasma of doubt and panic?

"It wasn't easy. But all I have to think is, I've got a chance to have a son again. Who could say no to that?"

The image of Shifu came to Daniel's mind, the memory of his soft body, the sight of his blue-eyed, trusting face, the knowledge that Daniel held a fragile piece of Sha're in his arms. It had been the hardest thing in the world to hand him over to Oma, even knowing the baby wasn't his. But when it'd been done, what had Daniel felt?

Relief.

That was the difference between a man like Jack and a man like Daniel.

The question spilled out before he'd thought about it: "What about me?"

"What?" When Daniel could make no answer, he said again, his voice uncharacteristically gentle, "What do you mean?"

"The baby's half..." He'd meant to say 'half mine', but that felt deeply hypocritical, when virtually all Daniel had done was to donate some sperm and walk away. He'd left Jack in the lurch, alone to battle the insanity of it all. The mental and physical strain could easily have crippled a lesser man.

Yet here Jack was, seeing the good in it all.

Jack reached out for him. With a shuddering breath, Daniel knelt by Jack's bedside and clasped his hand.

"Hey."

"Hey," Daniel returned, his voice shaky.

"Are you setting up a custody battle here or what? Because I feel obliged to tell you, I already have the papers written up for me. Little Cracker Jack's mine."

The laughter escaped him, sounding thin and giggly. "Cracker Jack?" he repeated.

"I haven't thought of a name yet."

"Please don't tell me you're considering Homer or Bart."

"Nah. I thought it should be something with a little more... flair to it."

"Flair, like Star Trek?" Daniel asked, getting back into the groove of their banter. It'd been lost to him for the past six months, and that had left a sore ache.

"Well..." Daniel felt a squeeze from the hand in his. "You could give it a try."

Daniel looked up, shocked. One side of Jack's mouth was lifted in a wry grin, but his eyes weren't joking. He swallowed several times. All the air in the room seemed to have been sucked out. "Okay," he managed to say through a swiftly tightened throat.

Jack waggled a finger in front of his nose. "Nothing weird. No Greek gods or ancient historians or... stuff like that."

"I can work with that. Jack..."

"Hm?"

Daniel reached out his hand, hesitant. "Can I?" It was essential that he ask.

Jack's face split in a wide grin. "Sure. C'mere." He guided Daniel's hand to his midsection, pulling up his shirt so Daniel's fingers could touch directly. It was incredibly warm. Tender. Daniel closed his eyes in wonder.

He felt a touch at his cheek, and he opened his eyes to Jack's soft expression. Jack stroked his face again, then beckoned him up. Daniel moved forward, entranced by the magic of the moment.

But a moment later, he jerked back.

"Wait! What about the...?" Daniel gestured toward the closed circuit camera in the corner. It was for medical surveillance only, not recorded. But anyone who happened by the screen in the infirmary would see what was going on here. Jack whapped him on the side of the head.

"I'm retired. You're a civilian. And I'm already carrying your love child. What are you afraid they'll see?" But Jack fished out a remote and clicked the camera off anyway.

Like coming to the surface after spending months under deep water, Daniel felt something relax inside him. Eagerly, he tasted Jack's chuckles for the first time.

END.

If you enjoyed this story, you might try these:
     Achilles (Stargate SG-1), by Mystic
     Future Imperfect (Stargate SG-1), by Cowardly Lion
     A Beautiful Lifetime Event (Stargate Atlantis), by shalott